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Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Strange Ideas: Death, Destiny and Decisions gets the fairytale ending it deserves.

The two most beautiful words:


If you've been keeping up, you'll know what a drama I've been having with releasing Strange Ideas in Europe. In fact, if you substituted my book for a beautiful but naïve young girl, I reckon it'd be a bit of a blockbuster tale. Let's give it a go.

Act 1: the set up
Doting mother (me), after months of readying her beloved child (my book) for the big wide world beyond their cosy spare room/office, waves a tearful goodbye and launches her book-baby, knowing she has done her best to prepare her and now it's time for Strange to stand on her own two feet. Like any good mother, she checks up on her occasionally (ok, all day Sunday, every hour on the hour) and all seems well. Strange even sends her mother a postcard (two copies to test the system works). Everything is set for Strange's surprise party the following week and mother drinks a shameful amount of champagne.

But, unbeknownst to either Strange or her mother (who looks way younger than 33- must be all the tea) unintentionally evil and unfathomable plans are afoot.

The mother, so proud, tells a friend about Strange's journey into the depths of the Amazon empire (see what I did there) and the friend is so excited she immediately sets off to look for Strange and wish her well. Horror of horrors, Strange cannot be found. The mother, concerned, follows the trail of breadcrumbs her book-baby left scattered after her (My Orders) and insists, "No, she's definitely in the Amazon. I'll draw you a map." The friend (via a direct link to the page) finally locates Strange, and says hello, but both she and the mother are puzzled. If Strange is there, why can no one see her?

Act 2: the plot thickens
Mother checks Strange's travel plan (Createspace dashboard) and notices something... odd. Where before, three options had been listed, now only two remain. Strange is alive and well in the US and even an exotic and rarely-visited land called "estore" but no trace of her in the UK can be found. In fact, even her trail of breadcrumbs (Recently Viewed Pages) has been wiped clean of her existence.

Concern growing like a nasty little toenail-fungus, the mother plunges into the depths of Google, hoping to find an explanation, but all she finds are terrifying tales of censorship and copyright validation. Confused, she consults the wizards, who assure her they will investigate and get back to her within two business days.

The date of the party is drawing near and, in-between pacing the floor and howling at the moon, the mother sadly informs Strange's friends that the party will be delayed until further notice. The friends are sympathetic but disappointed, as they'd been looking forward to the party for weeks, and many had bought new gowns especially (ok, I made that last bit about the gowns up completely).

The day of the party arrives, and no Strange. The mother sends another message to the wizards, pleading with them for information. She cries herself to sleep, wondering why her book-baby has been banished from Amazon Europe, and what she could have done to prevent this tragedy (I didn't actually cry, but I was gutted).

Then, the next day, she receives some truly shocking news: Strange is in a German castle dungeon because they're not sure she is who she says she is! The mother is distraught, but the wizards reassure her that it is probably a misunderstanding, and they'll get Strange out soon. She frets nevertheless, because she's like that, and spends most of the day flouncing around halfway between tantrum and depression. After this debacle, will anyone want to be friends with Strange? The shame! The stigma! She drinks copious amounts of tea and consoles herself with planning another book-baby (which sounds mercenary until you remember that this story is actually about a book, not a person).

Act 3: the happy ending
The next day passes, with almost no news, until approximately 5:30pm. The mother is swimming in a beautiful lagoon, serenaded by birds and raindrops (ok, I was in the bath with a CD on) when she hears a herald announce a message. Still covered in bubbles, she leaps from the bath lagoon and reads the message eagerly.

Strange was free!

The clever wizards had negotiated with the thorough, but mistaken, Germans and secured Strange's release from the castle dungeon!

How she laughed! How she danced! How quickly she grabbed a towel, dried off and fired up her laptop to check with her own eyes that the good news was true!

And there it was. In stock. The two most beautiful words the mother had seen in a long while. She wasted no time in spreading the word of Strange's release and soon her friends had chucked on their gowns and raced to join the party- only two days late, although to poor Strange, languishing in a dungeon (never mind her poor mother!), it had felt like years.

All was well once more; Strange was free to roam the four corners of the Amazon empire and the mother was free to enjoy watching her book-baby take over the world, one reader at a time.

The End

Strange Ideas: Death, Destiny and Decisions is available as an ebook or paperback on Amazon.com, Createspace estore or- finally- on Amazon.co.uk.

It's even available in Germany too xxx

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