Great Fictional Characters: You Bastard

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

Pardon my Klatchian, but Y is for You Bastard.

You Bastard is the greatest mathematician on the Disc. He is also a camel, which explains the name, as camels believe their name is whatever people shout at them.

Most people's experience of camels would lead them to believe that they are stubborn, stupid creatures who can barely control their own legs but, as Pratchett explains in Pyramids:

“The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins. They are so much brighter that they soon realised that the most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendants not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships or being patronized rigid by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it. So they long ago plumped for a lifestyle that, in return for a certain amount of porterage and being prodded with sticks, allowed them adequate food and grooming and the chance to spit in a human's eye and get away with it.”  

Artist credit

It's not such a bad life. Living in the desert provides an abundance of time to think: there are few distractions and the rhythmic plodding of hoof on sand is a pleasant accompaniment to methodical calculation. It's no wonder that, on the Disc, camels evolved to be so intelligent, if only for something to do to pass the time. It explains why they take so long to get going, too. Imagine if your head was filled with this:

“You Bastard was thinking: there seems to be some growing dimensional instability here, swinging from zero to nearly forty-five degrees by the look of it. How interesting. I wonder what’s causing it? Let V equal 3. Let Tau equal Chi/4. cudcudcud Let Kappa/y be an Evil-Smelling-Bugger* differential tensor domain with four imaginary spin co-efficients. . .”  

(* Renowned as the greatest camel mathematician of all time, who invented a math of eight-dimensional space while lying down with his nostrils closed in a violent sandstorm.)

What makes You Bastard such a great character for me is the simple fact that Pratchett has taken the most belligerent, bloody-minded and seemingly dumb animal on Earth and recreated it as a complex, deep-thinking genius that can out-think us all.

It certainly made me look at them in a different light... although I'd still prefer to look at them from a safe distance :)

Remembering Sir Terry Pratchett

Today would have been Terry's 67th birthday.

It's a little over six weeks since that awful day when I heard the news. 

I'd popped in to my mum's to check on her dogs on my way home from work, and my phone connected automatically to her wifi. It fired off about seven or eight messages in quick succession (I work in an area with a very weak signal, so this often happens when I return to civilisation).

I let the dogs out and swiped my phone to read the first message.

Oh sad news today. X

I was confused. Sad news about what? About who?

I checked the next message.

Have you heard about Terry? So sorry Lou xxx

I felt like I was about to throw up. I googled his name and there it was. I checked Twitter, just to be sure.

AT LAST, SIR TERRY, WE MUST WALK TOGETHER.

I sat on the floor and burst into tears.

The next morning, one of my pupils came straight up to me on the playground to ask if it were true. When I said yes, she gave me a hug. I needed it.

My pupils know what a fan I am: they've heard all my Discworld stories and in-jokes, can count in Troll (one, two, many, lots) and, last year, our class novel was Truckers. (When I met Terry in 2012, I told him I was a "Pratchett-pusher", which I think he liked.) They saw how sad I was; they noticed how I've worn my turtle pin every single day since his death; they'll understand why I'm wearing a black hat today. The Turtle Moves, and it moves through every reader who loved his words.

Last week, one of my pupils, the same one who hugged me, gave me this:

 

 

 Dear Terry Pratchett,

We know you're gone. But I still wanted to wish you a "Happy Birthday".
You are a brilliant author and you will be missed.
By the way my teacher (Miss West) is your biggest fan, she also gets inspired to write books like you.
At school we've got all (most) of your books.
WE'RE ALL BIG FANS!
Hope you were here Sir Terry Pratchett.
Take care of yourself,
from Natasha
x

 

More hugs, and a tear or two. The Turtle Moves.

If you'd like to read my post from that day, you can find it here.

Great Fictional Characters: Perdita X Dream

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

Ok, I'm cheating slightly here, but X is for Perdita X Dream, the alter-ego of Agnes Nitt.

"Inside a fat girl there is a thin girl and a lot of chocolate. Agnes's thin girl was Perdita."

Agnes has good hair: it's long and glossy, never splits, and is extremely well-behaved, except for a tendency to eat combs. Her voice is amazing, and not just for the fact that she can sing in harmony with herself. She's kind; she's funny; she's clever. She also has a lovely personality.

Artist credit

"Agnes had woken up one morning with the horrible realisation that she'd been saddled with a lovely personality. It was the lack of choice that rankled. No one had asked her, before she was born, whether she wanted a lovely personality or whether she'd prefer, say, a miserable personality but a body that could take size 9 in dresses. Instead, people would take pains to tell her that beauty was only skin deep, as if a man ever fell for an attractive pair of kidneys."

Perdita, on the other hand, is vain, selfish and vicious- and, unlike Agnes, she doesn't care two toots for what anyone else thinks. She also isn't real- at least, not in a flesh-and-blood sort of way. She's the voice in Agnes' head, the wicked thoughts she doesn't want to admit to, the urges she doesn't dare carry out.

"How does Perdita work, then?" said Nanny.
Agnes sighed. "Look, you know the part of you that wants to do all the things you don't dare do, and thinks the thoughts you don't dare think?"
Nanny's face stayed blank. Agnes floundered. "Like... maybe... rip off all your  clothes and run naked in the rain?" she hazarded.
"Oh, yes. Right," said Nanny.
"Well... I suppose Perdita is that part of me."
"Really? I've always been that part of me," said Nanny. "The important thing is to remember where you left your clothes."

Where Agnes is good-natured and sensible, Perdita is dramatic and rebellious- and mean. She makes sarcastic comments (often aimed at Agnes herself) and, occasionally, even takes over in an emergency, or where she believes Agnes is ill-equipped to handle the situation with enough style and flair. She's bold, brash and great fun, in small doses...

Do you have a Perdita? What does she tell you to do?

Great Fictional Characters: Sam Vimes

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

V is for Vimes- Sam Vimes.

Ye gods, how do I even begin to try and summarise a character so complex and magnificent as Mister Vimes in only a few hundred words? Perhaps I should start with his own:

"If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life."

Sam Vimes is Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood and Jack Dee rolled into one messed-up (yet still redeemable) Night Watch guard with a short temper and a chip on his shoulder . And I love him for it.

Born in the Shades, from a "too poor to paint; too proud to whitewash" single-parent family, Vimes is now a highly reluctant member of the nobility, with an annoying habit (in his opinion) of collecting titles: currently, he is known as His Grace, His Excellency, the Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes. The Patrician of Ankh-Morpork bestows titles on Sam just to annoy him or, possibly, because he thinks it's funny. Sam himself likes to add Blackboard Monitor on the end.

His rise to power came slowly: after many years as captain of the practically-obsolete (thanks to the Thieves' Guild) Nightwatch, Vimes' firm grasp of the nastier side of human nature led to him spending a significant chunk of his adult life as a drunk. The arrival of a dragon, and Lady Sybil Ramkin (not to be confused), kick-started his arc and the creation of one of the best-loved characters on the Disc. The romance between Lady Sybil and himself, unfolding over the course of many books, is the most beautiful yet unsoppy thing I have ever read, and I wish there were a few more like Vimes in this world so I could find one and marry him ;)

But back to the story. Vimes, though loving married life, is not exactly comfortable with his new wealth and status, seeing himself as one of "us" rather than them, and he hates the idea that he might be lumped in with the upper classes, who sneer at those below:

“...the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association.”

 Don't get him started on the tights.

 One of the reasons Vimes is so fascinating to me is his philosophical outlook (except he probably wouldn't call it that, being far too no-nonsense and slightly suspicious of big words). Here's a good example:

Are you feeling lucky?

“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”

Whenever I read one of the Discworld novels with Vimes, I feel like I balance out a bit. I'm guilty of wanting everything and everyone to be lovely, and I know that makes me hopelessly naïve at times. Vimes is a wake-up call. He sees things as they really are, and sometimes worse than they are (from experience). One of Nature's policemen, nothing can be hidden from him and he knows that you'll slip up sometime. He's probably the reason policemen make me nervous: according to Vimes, everyone is guilty of something.

That's not to say he doesn't have a fun side... oh, how he loves to toy with the Assassins who are sent to kill him (though not anymore: they've decided he's more useful alive than dead- or perhaps they are just embarrassed that they've failed so many times). And when it comes to impersonating animals and well-known Ankh-Morpork residents for the amusement of his son, Young Sam, no one can match him.


“WHERE'S MY COW?!
IS THAT MY COW?!
HRRRUUUUGGGH!!!!
THAT'S NOT MY COW!
THAT'S A HIPPOPOTAMOUS!”

I think his tough exterior, in true trope-style, is only to protect his soft core. His genuine affection for his fellow watchmen, his pride in his city, his unswerving love for his family and his determination to lock up as many bad guys as possible are the actions of a truly compassionate and altruistic man.

In terms of personality, Vimes bears some similarity to Granny Weatherwax (another one of my favourites). They are both hugely intelligent, dryly witty, uncannily observant "good" characters who secretly fear the darkness inside them, and constantly strive to control the more poisonous side of their nature. Granny watches herself constantly for signs of cackling; Vimes for "the Beast".

Quis custodiet ipsos custodies? (Who watches the watchmen?)

Vimes does. Always.

"No excuses. No excuses at all. Once you had a good excuse, you opened the door to bad excuses."

What are your thoughts on Vimes? Is he a moral compass or just a good copper? Feel free to share in the comments below.

Great Fictional Characters: Tiffany Aching

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

T is for Tiffany Aching.

Happy St George's Day! Now, to my knowledge, Tiffany has never battled with a dragon, but she's had her fair share of scary monsters to contend with- and I'm not just talking about the sheep on the Chalk.

In The Wee Free Men, she rescues her brother, Wentworth, from Jenny Green-Teeth (with a frying pan, no less) and then later, when he is kidnapped by the Queen of the Fairies, she marches off to Fairyland to get him back. From the start, Tiffany always rises to the occasion—even if it's not necessarily what she wants to do. She may not like her little brother that much, but she's his big sister, after all, and that means it's her job to make sure he's okay and to bring him home.

“All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!

I have a duty!”

Fresh from that adventure, and having set her mind on becoming a witch, she goes to apprentice with Miss Level and soon lands in trouble again- this time with a hiver. A hiver is a strange parasitic entity that takes over the mind until the body is no use to it- often because that body is no longer breathing... Tiffany eventually manages to banish it from her body, but that's not enough. Knowing it will continue to search for a body to inhabit, she resolves to get rid of it entirely, though not without the compassion of a true witch, the support of a great one, and learning some valuable lessons:

“Always face what you fear. Have just enough money, never too much, and some string. Even if it’s not your fault, it’s your responsibility. Witches deal with things. Never stand between two mirrors. Never cackle. Do what you must do. Never lie, but you don’t always have to be honest. Never wish. Especially don’t wish upon a star, which is astronomically stupid. Open your eyes, and then open your eyes again.”  

Older and wiser, (or possibly not) Tiffany moves on to train with another witch, Miss Treason. Miss Treason takes her to see the Dark Morris, a secret version that balances out the one everyone is familiar with by saying goodbye to the Summer Lady and letting the Wintersmith take his turn on Earth. Entranced by the dancing, Tiffany can't help herself and joins in, drawing the attention of the Wintersmith himself. Intrigued, the Wintersmith pursues Tiffany with the amorous intent and enthusiasm of a teenage boy, his "gifts" becoming more dramatic and dangerous as the season progresses. Tiffany must keep her frozen beau at bay long enough to find the real Summer Lady and complete the Dance of the Seasons before the Wintersmith's love- quite literally- smothers her and the Chalk community she watches over.

"You could say it was unfair, and that was true, but the universe didn’t care because it didn’t know what “fair” meant. That was the big problem about being a witch. It was up to you. It was always up to you.”  

Her most recent adventure, and the one I'm re-reading at the moment, sees her pitting herself against probably the most dangerous opponent yet- the Cunning Man. From being respected and feared (in a healthy way), witches suddenly start finding themselves mocked, accused and even resented. Tiffany learns this is down to the Cunning Man, a demonic spirit of pure hatred, able to corrupt other minds with suspicion and anger. He has it in for witches, big time, and Tiffany is on his hit list. She needs to stop him and the stakes are high: if she fails, the other witches will step in and do whatever is necessary to restore the normal order- even if it means killing her...

“Everybody needs a witch, but sometimes they just don't know it.”  

Tiffany's pretty awesome because she uses her head more than her magic, runs toward her fear instead of away from it and, instead of letting the grown-ups deal with the hard stuff, rolls up her sleeves and gets stuck in. She's not afraid of who she is:

“Yes! I'm me! I am careful and logical and I look up things I don't understand! When I hear people use the wrong words, I get edgy! I am good with cheese. I read books fast! I think! And I always have a piece of string! That's the kind of person I am!”  

What do you think of Tiffany? Let me know in the comments x

Great Fictional Characters: Rincewind

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

R is for Rincewind.

For those who haven't had the pleasure, Rincewind is a failed student at the Unseen University for wizards in Ankh-Morpork, and is often described by scholars as "the magical equivalent to the number zero". A better athlete than he is magician, he spends most of the Discworld books running away from various groups of people who want to kill him.

Because it's my birthday today, I'm a little short of time, so I thought I'd let the marvellous Sir Terry Pratchett do all the talking.

Here are some of my favourite Rincewind quotes from across the series.

"There are eight levels of wizardry on the Disc; after sixteen years Rincewind has failed to achieve even level one. In fact it is the consideration of some of his tutors that he is incapable even of achieving level zero, which most normal people are born at; to put it another way, it has been suggested that when Rincewind dies the average occult ability of the human race will actually go up by a fraction."

"He'd never asked for an exciting life. What he really liked, what he sought on every occasion, was boredom. The trouble was that boredom tended to explode in your face. Just when he thought he'd found it he'd be suddenly involved in what he supposed other people - thoughtless, feckless people - would call an adventure. And he'd be forced to visit many strange lands and meet exotic and colourful people, although not for very long because usually he'd be running. He'd seen the creation of the universe, although not from a good seat, and had visited Hell and the afterlife. He'd been captured, imprisoned, rescued, lost and marooned. Sometimes it had all happened on the same day."

"Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four."

“Preeminent among Rincewind’s talents was his skill in running away, which over the years he had elevated to the status of a genuinely pure science; it didn’t matter if you were fleeing from or to, so long as you were fleeing. It was flight alone that counted. I run, therefore I am; more correctly, I run, therefore with any luck I’ll still be.”


"Rincewind sighed. He liked lettuce. It was so incredibly boring. He had spent years in search of boredom, but had never achieved it. Just when he thought he had it in his grasp his life would suddenly become full of near-terminal interest. The thought that someone could voluntarily give up the prospect of being bored for fifty years made him feel quite weak. With fifty years ahead of him, he thought, he could elevate tedium to the status of an art form. There would be no end to the things he wouldn't do."

"Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind.”

“Luck is my middle name," said Rincewind, indistinctly. "Mind you, my first name is Bad.”

Great Fictional Characters: Om

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

O is for Om.

“...gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.”

On the Discworld, gods are real. Like, really real, as in only a fool would deny a god's existence because a) it would be like denying the existence of the postman and b) there's a good chance they'd find out and come round to have a word.

“Gods?” said Xeno. “We don’t bother with gods. Huh. Relics of an outmoded belief system, gods.”
There was a rumble of thunder from the clear evening sky.
“Except for Blind Io the Thunder God,” Xeno went on, his tone hardly changing.”  

But there's a catch: the greater the belief, the more powerful the god... and vice versa. But belief is not the same as religion:

“Belief shifts. People start out believing in the god and end up believing in the structure.”  

Soooo, when the church of Om gets so tangled up in schisms and rules and rituals that it forgets the god in whose name they're arguing, and he decides to go down and sort it all out, he doesn't manifest in quite the form he'd expected.

On the Disc, instead of being a shimmering, golden figure to inspire awe and wonder, the Great God Om is a tortoise.

“You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.”

His second job, therefore, (the first being to find someone who actually, truly believes in him and not just all the hype) is to convince Brutha (an bona-fide believer) of his credentials.

"It's a big bull," said the tortoise.
"The very likeness in the Great God Om in one of his worldly incarnations!" said Brutha proudly. "And you say you're him?"
"I haven't been well lately," said the tortoise.

With Brutha as the Chosen One he wouldn't necessarily have chosen, Om has to learn how to reengage with his followers in order to inspire greater belief and, in the process, help them reform the church to be more open-minded and humanist, and a lot more sensible.

I heartily recommend you read Small Gods by Terry Pratchett for some laughs and a touch of philosophical thinking.

Great Fictional Characters: The Amazing Maurice

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

M is for Maurice or, to give him his full title, The Amazing Maurice.

We've all heard about the Pied Piper of Hamelin, where a plague of rats descends on a small village...

"You didn't need many rats for a plague, not if they knew their business. One rat, popping up here and there, squeaking loudly, taking a bath in the fresh cream and widdling in the flour, could be a plague all by himself."

...and, when the people of the village demand action, the mayor calls in an expert...

After a few days of this, it was amazing how glad people were to see the stupid-looking kid with his magical rat pipe. And they were amazed when rats poured out of every hole to follow him out of the town.

...but do you know the whole story?


Artist credit

"They were so amazed that they didn't bother much about the fact that there were only a few hundred rats.

They'd have been really amazed if they'd ever found out that the rats and the piper met up with a cat somewhere in the bushes out of town, and solemnly counted out the money."

Maurice is no ordinary cat. He's the mastermind behind a scam so sweet that he's surprised no one has thought of it before. After becoming sentient due to a magical mishap, he rounds up a clan of similarly intelligent rats and sets off to make his fraudulent fortune.

All goes well until they reach the town of Bad Blintz, where an altogether more malignant trick is being played, and The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents, along with Keith (the stupid-looking kid) discover they may have bitten off more than they can chew...

Great Fictional Characters: Granny Weatherwax

Continuing with the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge 2015

G is for Granny Weatherwax- who else?

"Witches are not by nature gregarious, at least with other witches, and they certainly don't have leaders. Granny Weatherwax was the most highly-regarded of the leaders they didn't have."

Granny is just awesome. Imagine the meanest school nurse and the kindest aunty and the teacher who just "got" you and you'd only be halfway there to how cool she is.

Considered by many (including herself) to be the most powerful witch on the Disc, Granny Weatherwax rarely resorts to actual magic, preferring "Headology" to sort out most problems. That's not to say she can't wield magic when necessary, though. In order to save Lancre from the murderous (and frankly bonkers) Duke Felmet, she moved the entire kingdom forward in time by fifteen years, so as to give the rightful heir time to grow up and claim the throne. But turning someone into a frog is so much more effort than making them think they are a frog, which is also a whole lot more effective (and amusing). Granny's dry sense of humour makes Jack Dee look like Ken Dodd.

RIP Pterry

As you've probably heard, we lost a great man today.

Terry Pratchett, the fantastically and deservedly successful author, passed away as he wanted to, in his home, surrounded by his family, with his cat sleeping on his bed.

I don't even have the words for how sad I am feeling right now.

And it was his words that I loved. No other author has shaped my personality with his ideas as he did, spoken to and resonated with me as his characters did, changed my view of the world, of life, of religion and love and honesty and humanity as his writing did. There isn't a single day I don't see Discworld somewhere.

I had the honour of meeting him in 2012, and those hours sat in the bar chatting with him over a couple of pints (he had a pot of tea) will always be a treasured memory. He was as fascinating and witty in person as he is in his novels. Despite the "embuggerance" taking a hold, his conversation sparkled as much as it challenged my thinking (yet again). I came away with the same feeling that I would no doubt have had if I had spoken to God. And, in terms of being a creator, he was a god to me.

I will always be so, so grateful for the words he gave us but so, so, so selfishly devastated for all the words he had left that we'll never get to read.

My only comfort today is from these words, his words, that prove he will never be forgotten:

"...no one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away..."
Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

Recent related post
Remembering Sir Terry Pratchett: birthday post

Book Reviews and Recommendations: 5 Picks for Fantastic Phil

 

Tea, cake and a good book- bliss!

I love stories, whether in book or film form and, when one really moves me, I have a hard time keeping quiet about it. I can get positively evangelical at times... (by the way, have I recommended "Confessions" to you yet?)

 

So, imagine how thrilled I was when Fantastic Phil (you may remember him for his contribution to Rock God) asked my opinion on whether he should read Gone Girl, (yes, obviously) and how chuffed I was that he enjoyed it.

He's asked me again for my recommendations and, after perusing my bookshelves, this is what I've come up with:

Friday Five: Five things I want and can't afford.

Envy. Avarice. Greed. Jealousy. The green-eyed monster. Coveting thy neighbour's ass.

 

However you put it, wanting something you can't have sucks. I suffer from this as much as the next person, and sometimes I feel like I would shave my head and sell my hair just to get my mitts on a new toy. On bad days, I find myself pondering whether I really need two kidneys.

 

Of course, this is well and truly a first-world problem. I have a home, I have my health, I have enough to eat (too much? My cake-belly is so big I tell people I'm having Mr Kipling's baby) and I have a good life. But, I'm only human, and I still lust after the shiny things though. Here are the top five things I need want, in no particular order.