Unhappy endings

I am posting this because I don't want to write today. I am writing this instead of the difficult scene I have been dreading ever since I knew it must be written. I am writing this because it is a distraction from the terrible words I must write in order for my story to be complete, as it should be.

Today I have to kill a character. And it will break my heart.

I know I shouldn't be so attached to imaginary people who only exist inside my head, but it's difficult, when I've heard their voices, watched their movements, known their loves and fears and hopes and dreams to end it all with a few taps on a keyboard.

But it must be done. Just not quite yet.

So far, I have made endless cups of tea, dyed my hair, washed up and even marked some books to avoid this scene. I've tried out different scenerios where this character survives and has the happy ending they are owed after all their efforts, but they feel like what they are- cop outs by a desperate writer who, in fiction as well as real-life, wants every thing to be nice and for everyone to have the ending they deserve. But happy stories are boring stories: I've read the theory, I know that doing this will make my story stronger, make the resolution- when it comes- all the more memorable, but I know it's going to kill me to do it. Yet it must be done.

I wonder if J.K Rowling felt like this? I wonder if she shed a tear for Dumbledore as he plummeted to his death? I wonder if Phillip Pullman knew exactly what he was doing when Lyra had to leave Pan behind when she crossed the lake? Sadness is a strong emotion, painful at times, but one that we all know and can relate to, unfortunately. We love to suffer along with our characters as much as we love to share their triumphs. That's why it makes such an effective technique in story-telling, and a necessary one. The only way to resolve this story is for this character to die today. And it's not going to be pretty.

And so it is with a heavy heart I now leave to do my duty.

If you see me with puffy eyes tomorrow, hug me and give me some cake- you'll know why.